


Not Yet

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Series: Dean doesn't speak [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x23 coda, He can't, M/M, Season 12 Episode 23 Coda, coda 12x23, he can't speak, it hurts, season 12 episode 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 16:12:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: He dreams of this moment forever





	Not Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Another coda!! I might do two more and I'm done or might keep going. I'll probably stop when season 13 starts

The soft music played in the background and Dean doesn't remember ever feeling this blissfully happy. He smiled softly and Cas smiled back. They swayed to the music with close proximity. Chest to chest and ha their arms around each other. Dean leaned in close and placed his head on Cas' shoulder. He inhaled his scent of spice and honey, he smiled even wider. The lights in Dean's room were dimmed giving off a romatic vibe as they swayed, tuning out the outside world. 

No words were spoke as they were not needed. Their movements and the music spoke for them. 

Dean tightened his hands around Cas' waist, never wanting to let go and fearing he might have to soon. Cas responded by tightening his grip around Dean's shoulders. Dean turned his head and kissed Cas' neck. Cas sighed softly and gently ran his hands through Dean's hair. 

 _'I love you. I love you. I love you,'_ Dean kept repeating over and over in his head.

He wanted to say those words, those three words he never got to say. He knows Cas knows, but he wants Cas to hear them come from him. He wants Cas to realize how madly in love he is with him. How much he misses him when he leaves and how much he aches when he doesn't pick up. How much he deeply cares and adores him. How he is astounded by his strength and courage. How much he admires him not only for his strength, but his kindness and his ability to always fight for what he believes is right. He wants him to know everything. Cas deserves that, he deserves everything. 

But he didn't say anything.  **Not yet.**

He lifted his head and stared at Cas and Cas softly smiled at him. His eyes filled with love and adoration, it almost made Dean look away to hide his emotions. But he couldn't do that to Cas, Cas deserves to see how much Dean loves him when he looks at him. So he continues to look at Cas, hoping Cas can see how much Dean feels the same, how gone he is on Cas and doesn't want to stop. Judging how Cas' eyes are bright and open with joy and happiness, he knows. 

He is happy. They are happy. Absolute bliss is surrounding the room filled with love as it spread through their veins. Dean softly hummed along to the music. 

' _Darling can't you see what you've done to me, I love you so, I never want to let you go'_

Cas smiled a lopsided smile filled with genuine happiness, Dean wanted to kiss him right then and there. It filled his body and spread throughout his bones. His chest ached with how much he wanted to kiss him. It's like a overflowing of deep longing. He wanted to grab his face and brush his lips over his to finally feel them. 

But he didn't.  **Not yet.**

He ached to kiss him, to pull him close and never let go. He wanted to breathe Cas in. He wanted Cas. He wanted to taste Cas. Cas. He wants to show Cas how much he means to him. 

 ****  
_He needs Cas._  


Cas looked at him like he knew what Dean was thinking and Dean felt his cheeks and neck turn red, he wanted to look away, embarrassed. But he knew Cas would most likely turn his head towards him, so he kept staring back. _He knows they don't have much time._ Cas was still smiling, his face more beautiful when he smiled. His eye crinkles and his face lights up like a thousand volts, radiant. Genuine happiness. 

Cas placed his hand on Dean's cheek and Dean leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. 

"Dean," Cas softly whispered.

Dean slowly opened his eyes and looked at him.

Cas looked determined and rubbed his thumb gently over Dean's cheekbone and leaned in. Dean closed his eyes and started to lean in as well. 

Dean opened his eyes and gasped. He looked around and realized he was on his bed and it was only 4:36AM. He was shaking, drenched in cold sweat and realized the whole thing was just a dream. He gasped brokenly and put his hands on his face. He could feel Cas' touch on his cheek as if he was here just a second ago. He could hear and vividly see the way the music played and how they swayed as if they were one. The pain of the truth washed him. He removes his hands and looks around his room. His room was filled with darkness and dread. He feels cold and empty. 

It was just a dream, a dream where Dean was happy. Genuinely blissfully happy. 

He closes his eyes and swallows hard - fuck he can't breathe. _He can't. He can't Fuck._ Tears start to stream down his face and a sob rips out of him - harsh, desperate noise that rattles him to his very core before it punches out of his throat. 

He knew he can never be happy like he was in that dream, he couldn't tell Cas what he wanted to tell him, how he felt. Even in his dream he couldn't. He always said to himself,  ** _'not yet'_**.

He felt like a coward.

Not yet has long passed and there was nothing left for him except in his dreams. Where he can see Cas, whether it's filled with dread and pain or happiness and love. It's all he has and it's all he'll ever get. Cas is the center of Dean's dreams and he wakes up in cold sweat every day and every night, filled with a longing and desire to see him again but fear to go back to sleep. He fears to see Cas die, die every night whenever he dreams. He fears to wake up and it hits him Cas is gone.  _Cas is gone._ He'll never have those happy moments in his dreams, ever. 

What's wrong is that every morning and every night, he lie in bed wondering why Cas is not beside him. He doesn't want to sleep anymore knowing Cas is only in his dreams, a figment of his imagination, and not here with him where he should be. Where he belongs. 

Dean doesn't sleep for the rest of the night. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KUDOS AND THOSE WHO HAVE READ!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!
> 
> If you wanna follow me on tumblr or just check it out and give me feedback which would be greatly appreciated it's  
> http://rebelwithheartofgold.tumblr.com/
> 
> I've been trying to write a happy one shot but I'm not good at writing happy stuff, it's too awkward. I can only write pain which I'll probably continue to do so, but different storylines.


End file.
